If Not this World
by Ali Monogatari
Summary: Ren, Nariya, Seble and XXXXXX entered Harmony School together, graduated together when they gained their powers. They expected to grow up together, grow old together. (Any who pose a danger to society are killed.) To live, they betrayed XXXXXX. She did not grow up. if not us/From the New World characters: if not us setting: From the New World. The plot is a mix.
1. Nariya

**I don't own anything from either From the New World or if not us.**

Chances are you're here looking for a From the New World fic. if not us is a free indie game that came out this January, so most of you probably don't know about it, but if you love FTNW (especially the first half) you'll love it too, for exactly the same reasons. I also can't tell you much about it, for exactly the same reasons it's difficult to tell people the story of FTNW without pummeling them with spoilers. The synopsis does a good job at giving you the feel and gist of it though, so here it is:

Seven years ago, five heroes were brought together to save the world. Their success came at the cost of their leader's life; the secret behind it cost them their friendship.

Now they've been summoned for a new heroic quest.

 _if not us_ is about the moment when they realise everything isn't going to be okay.

It's a series of five games, each from a different person's POV and in a different format (a letter to the only other person left alive, a conversation with the enemy who killed everyone else, a diary entry with all the painful bits scribbled over...you get the picture.)

This fanfic completely spoils the story of INU, so I HIGHLY recommend you go play that first. You can find it on itch-dot-io, completely free, sooo...

Feel free to tell me what you think in the comments, both what you liked and what you didn't. If you didn't like the story, say so, but give reasons so I know how to get better. If you like it, also give reasons. It's good to know what you're doing well.

Updates will be slow, but I won't discontinue this.

* * *

The day dawns clear and the sun is shining on the first day of school, and I pull on my skirt and fix my tie with trembling hands. My room, the sea, the birds are grey and dull, seen and heard a million times and always the same, but there is a promise of wonder and welcoming and more, thick in the air like nothing I've ever felt before.

I'm dressed and hair combed and out the house, barely giving Mum and Dad time to say goodbye. The path is thick with children like a stream, but they part for me and I barely look at them; head high and long strides, look straight ahead don't glance aside, stick it out, out, out, Polly, because I can't relax my shield until I'm there. What are a few minutes after six whole years? They're waiting for me at Harmony School, someone, someones, I don't know who, but around them there'll be no silences, no awkwardness, no stares. It's nice to be admired but it creates an emptiness, everybody afraid to get too close.

Today everything feels alive.

The wind is in my hair and the sun is rising yellow-gold-red, and the pink cherry blossoms float everywhere and the world wants me, it's alive wanting me to be happy, to hurry and arrive and fill that heart-space, quickly quickly quickly quickly soon –

\- I see her.

She's just another kid, but our eyes meet for a second and she's smiling, no strangeness just grinning, an easy smile and open so her eyes are sparkling, and -

\- She's gone.

I hadn't stopped to say hello, instinct and surprise keeping me going, not even reacting, just a glance and I'd kept walking, what had happened only penetrating when I've long since passed her by. I should be disappointed but I'm not, I'm happy and excited, because I am going to Harmony School, and so is she.

-n-

The welcoming ceremony is more waiting, but I don't mind because I've had a taste and whatever is here will come. I'm first, the gift-curse of my name, and then I'm inside and taking a place at the front, waiting as the other first years enter behind me, taking their token from the teacher at the door. There is no one in the entrance hall but us, yet still it's full to bursting. I finger my token as I wait, feeling it smooth-coarse-smooth under my skin. It's the letters of my name, APOLLINARIYA, written in shaky letters down the scroll. I let my fingers brush the ink, and I wait.

Twenty minute-years later and we're done, walking down the corridor to our classroom. I'm near the front but still I have to wait to find space at the notice board. I look close and there's my table, and three more names below mine. I read them, feeling the rich sounds and the hollow, tasting the words as I whisper them aloud.

 _XXXXXX_

 _Seble_

 _Renatum_

They're the ones I'm waiting for, I know, blood-of-my-blood and flesh-of-my-flesh, and I step inside with my heart thumping and my face aflush. I walk towards my table and _she_ 's there, the girl with the bright open smile. For the first time I can truly see her: her hair is xxxxxxxxxxxxx, her eyes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. She looks up as I come closer and her grin widens, and she reaches down to pat the chair by her side.

'I'm XXXXXX,' she says. 'You?'

'Nariya.' I smile, I can't help it, her grin is infectious. 'It's really great to meet you.'

'Me too! I'm sure we'll get along just great.'

She smiles again, eyes sparkling, and I'm taken by surprise all over again, because nobody smiles so _truthfully_ , as if meeting you is a delight and she's elated, and I feel relaxed and happy in a way I've never felt before. We've only just met but I know I can trust her.

-n-

She's from Waterwheel, south of Hayring, and within minutes we're sharing stories of our villages, me telling her of the blue-white waves and glittering reflections of the ocean, where you can catch crabs and shellfish and build rafts when it's calm, and of the sandy beaches where you can build sand castles or watch for tiger crabs, and the rolling hills of bushes and trees that hide you totally and completely from sight, and she speaking of waterways with more than four different waterwheels, puffer sparrows and reed warblers, ever so rare in Whitesand, and going down the waterways to the fields of Gold, where the wheat is head-high and the trees tall and sprawling, perfect for hide and seek, and…

'It's a pleasure to meet you.'

I turn round, startled: it's a boy, tall, long hair drawn back in a knot. There's a depth to his gaze and an elegance to his manner, as if he's somehow older, wiser, than six years allow.

Gracefully he moves to sit beside us, all the while staring shamelessly, gazing far too long for politeness to excuse.

'I'm XXXXXX.' She speaks up cheerfully. 'This is Apollinariya. You?'

'I am called Renatum.'

The _I am called_ adds a layer of meaning, a barrier against saying 'Ren' that's almost physical, and I stop and take care as I piece my words together. I taste significance on my tongue as I answer: By others, perhaps. By us, too?

'That,' he says, 'doesn't really matter.'

'Ren, then,' I say. 'You can call me Nariya.'

'Very well,' he says, but for the first time there's a spark of interest in his gaze. He joins in when we continue talking, slowly, reluctantly, as if he considers it a waste of time, yet somehow he always has a quip ready when I try to change the subject, and in all his stories it is him at the centre, capturing the flag and glimpsing the Copycat and throwing the haythatcher's eggs at the statue in front of Harmony School. I raise an eyebrow when he says that, and XXXXXX stifles a laugh, but I find it hard to disbelieve him. He is not the sort of person one would expect to do such things. Yet somehow he is.

-n-

Seble comes in later, one of the last: a quiet boy with a head of curly hair and skin even darker than mine. The second makes me curious but he doesn't say much, barely speaking anything besides his name. Ren shoots him curious glances and XXXXXX makes him feel welcome, or tries to, but I can't bring myself to feel anything towards him. He doesn't act shy, no blushes or fidgets or looking away, but he's not anything else either, not angry or rowdy or friendly, not even confidently superior like Ren. With time he seems to fade into the background, and soon the first day of classes begins.

-n-n-

But as the bell rings I realise I don't feel grey anymore, there's a space in my heart called _home_ and it's full, and my face is alight with a smile I can't get rid of.


	2. Ren

People are actually reading this.

I'm honestly shocked. And guilty, because I was convinced nobody would view this fic after the first few days, and sure there were few people, but considering how niche the sources are... thanks!

You're probably wondering what the heck happened to me.

When I said it'd take a while to update, I meant max a month. Things came up. They're not over yet. I don't know when my next update will be, how long until I can start updating regularly. For the record, this fic has been on my mind almost every day for the past few months, so...

This site allows for almost no formatting. The italicsed words at the end of this chapter are meant to be crossed. There's supposed to be different line spacing between some paragraphs. I might post this fic on ao3 when I have some more chapters out.

There's some phrases taken from INU. Less than in the previous chapter (went a little overboard there). They're meant to give you the same feel as INU, but I realised they may come off as plagiarism since I didn't mention them. I'll addd them at the bottom. May miss up, since I'm writing in a hurry. Clearly.

There's also a reference to INU's author. Pretty obvious reference, if you've been obsessively checking for news about her upcoming vn every day like I am.

Seble and Ren were referred to as he because that's their biological sex. Ren's changes in this chapter, Seble's later. I might do the scene where Ren tells their friends to call them they later. I might add other chapters before this one too, I only have a vague outline for the story right now, so it might not be published? released? linearly.

I really would appreciate reviews. What you liked, what you didn't. Maybe I scared you off in my first chapter: I didn't mean to.

I've probably forgotten to add something.

* * *

The ceremony takes quite a while.

That's an understatement, of course. R's far down the list. I won't be surprised if the world ends before it's my turn.

It won't, though. The world is ending too slowly even for that.

There's few kids here. Few, but packed together. The hall is smaller than it was before. The kids are less, too.

We're let out slowly, in groups. We were let in that way, too, but then they could use the token as an excuse. A scroll with the children's names written on it. How unoriginal.

They added my second name, too. Must be exact, musn't we, or who knows what horrors will befall us?

…Everybody does, I guess. And nobody wants to think about it. Still, this obsession with numbers… It's strange, how age changes people. Except me, I guess. Do I count?

A name below mine on the noticeboard strikes my attention. _Seble_. It niggles at my consciousness, like a joke so bad you remember it, years later. A joke so bad it was good.

I'm not expecting anything from my group. Why should I? I've seen it all before. Again and again and again, until the pictures become blurry and sporadic, and then nothing at all. None of them are important, really. Interesting, maybe. Some of them. Sometimes.

Sometimes, I can even remember their names.

But it's amusing to surprise, and anyway I must keep up my reputation, no, as the wise all-knowing keeper of secrets, so why not?

I put on my mask. Neutral face, slight frown. Stern gaze. I've honed it to perfection over the years, and it works as well for a prank as for getting results.

I speak up from behind them. 'It's a pleasure to meet you,' I say. I hide a smile behind my mask. Oh Buddha, excuse my petty antics.

The two startle at my words. One looks at me doubtfully, disbelief in her eyes, but I can see I've caught her off balance. The other stares, opens her mouth, closes it, then frowns at me, unsure how to react. Her skin is a deep brown, smooth and striking. For a second the two stare at me, saying nothing. Behind my mask, I'm chuckling.

The first one is quick to let go of her surprise, soon replaced with friendly amusement. I answer her introduction with my own. My words are part of the mask: 'I am called...' Behind my mask, I'm smirking. The mask is smirking, too, but it's not the same thing. _'I am called Renatum,_ ' I say. What am I?

The second girl looks up, and meets my eyes.

'By others, perhaps. By us, too?'

But it's not the eyes, not really. It's never in the eyes.

It's in the body. It's in the way she holds herself, straight, firm, the way her chin is held high, tilted upward. Her hands are relaxed but not limp. She doesn't shout but doesn't whisper either, her voice never wobbles. It's not her words as much as her challenge that does it, only half deliberate.

That's what I will think, later. Later, when I will have had time to think. I cannot separate all the facts about her in this moment, threads of a string coleascing together, all coming together to evoke the feeling unfolding within my stomach. I'm entranced. I'm entranced by her. I want to keep watching.

Her hand opens slightly, where it is resting on the table. Makes a slight fluorishing gesture. I want to take it in my own.

'That,' my mask says, 'Doesn't really matter.'

And she says: 'Ren'. And, 'Nariya.'

For a second my mask slips, slightly.

In the next few minutes I say more than I have ever before in this life. Nothing dangerous, of course. I brag a lot. That's all most kids who talk a lot always seem to do. But I've long ago learnt that I must make _some_ effort to blend in, and if it's acting the talkative braggart instead of the quiet loner, then why not? These two don't seem to mind. Nariya gazes at me with open curiosity. As for the other, she grins and laughs and rolls eyes at my stories, and cheerfully blabbers on about her home-town of Gold. Her name is Shiloh.

Nariya interests me. I want her to be important. I feel regret, that she's not.

It's a strange feeling.

-r-

When Seble comes in I shoot half a glance his way – _and remember another Seble, that is not this Seble, and another, and another. Beside me. Sitting, standing, walking, dying. Dying, dying, dying –_ and freeze, caught for a second, something about him making me unable to look away. What is it? I try to focus on what gripped my mind but no! – I'm doing something bad; I should stop. I turn back to Nariya and Shiloh and try to ignore, but I can't help keeping glancing back. Every time he stares back at me with no trace of emotion I feel something like a squeeze in my chest. I want to scream 'Say something!'. I want him to say something. I feel like there's so much we can talk about together, but I shouldn't think of a single thing.

-r-

Our 3rd year at Harmony School.

'Wanna come to my house tomorrow?' Shiloh proposes it cheerfully, as we clamber over the monkey bars after school. Soon we will be able to spend the afternoon outside, but until then, every day we go to one of our houses and play. Nariya's is near the ocean, and Seble's is big and dark and thrillingly scary, but mine is average at best, and Shiloh's isn't particularly interesting. Still, Shiloh is grinning even more than usual and Nariya's eyes have lit up. I roll my eyes at them and loudly mutter a prayer to safeguard grinning idiots, but Shiloh and Nariya just smirk and keep talking. I shoot a glance at Seble, but he doesn't smile.

I should be too used to it to feel disappointment anymore.

We play hide and seek in the wheat fields near Shiloh's house, and halfway through Nariya falls on Shiloh and kisses her on the lips. They clearly don't know what they're doing, but how is that new? Not like it matters. Not like it's real love, anyway. I turn away in disgust, and see Seble heading this way. I don't know how far they'll go but it's clear they want privacy, so I drag him away quickly to spare them the embarrassment. Before I realise it we're on a hill, looking over Gold.

I want him to want to kiss me, but he doesn't say a word.

I'd regret telling everyone to call me using they, except I know that's not what this is about. Sex is fine as long our bodies are both male, no matter what I wear or say. Were I _he_ or _she_ the same would be true, because Seble does not care.

– I want him to care and it hurts that he doesn't, hurts that it won't even try to understand –

(Why do I want him to care? What draws me to him? _I don't want to kiss it, not really, I want it to_ I should kiss him, that's what I'm supposed to want

 _understand_ )

 _Being near him clouds my mind. He's tangible proof of the truth my brain is forced to ignore, making it go into overdrive trying not to remember, so that even my unfocused background thoughts can't slip through the radar_

 _I'VE DIED SEVERAL TIMES BECAUSE OF THIS_

 _._

 _._

 _._

When I wake up, I'm in the children's centre.

* * *

Ren's and Nariya's conversation in chapter 1 is based on the one from Nariya's chapter in INU. I think the only phrase taken directly is 'I want to keep watching.' but it's been a while since I wrote this, it's been sitting there waiting for me to edit some final stuff and post. As I said earlier, you might not see me for some time, but you will.

If you're looking for something else to read, I love How Many Miles from Babylon on ao3. It's a fairytale retelling of the 12 dancing princesses, written beautifully in that 'fairy-tale style' of fairytales or myths. Or write a shinsekai yori or inu fic yourself. They're amazing stories, and certainly deserve way more fanfic. The key is to think about the story for a while before trying to make a fic, to get over that first stage where the story seems perfect and you're afraid to break it, sort of. With INU, read it again and again and again. You're missing something, trust me. I don't know how many times I've played it and I found out something new in Arzan's story today. And I still haven't figured out all the info in Alemayehu's...

I really hope you enjoyed this. Thank you for reading it.

Edit: edited my recommended fic's name. Wrote it while sleep-deprived, sorry.

* * *

Since I'm taking so long between chapters even when I'm actually writing it, figured I should let you know through an update every once in a while. So, never fear! Chapter 3 is currently being written: I've spent many hours toiling over it so far, and have progressed...er...somewhat. So far I have roughly a third done, another third as a draft, and a third I haven't started yet. ...Although I might go back and edit what is 'done', so... we'll see. The good news is that this past week I've been able to do some writing roughly everyday, so hopefully we're on our way to more frequent updates. When I publish chapter 3 I'll also explain a bit what I'm planning on doing wit this fic, genre, etc, so there's that too. But basically the point of this is just to let you know I have not died or been kidnapped or whatever. And also I wanted to add a cryptic hint as to the contents of the next chapter to make people wrack their brains... so, here it is (dumdumDUM):

altı

* * *

Just to prevent confusion in case it's not clear, updates to my latest chapter will probably be just me proving I still exist and am still working on this fic. Sorry for the slow updates! The good news is that I actually got quite a lot of work done: I have a draft of the whole chapter done and one third of it is completely finished. This chapter is significantly longer than the first two, I think around 3000 something words (chapter 2 is just 1200-something minus all my blabbering), and in some ways rather difficult to write compared to the others. I've also done progress on Plot: basically until now I only had a reeeaaally vague idea of what to do, and I was just going to sort of mix the two plots together so it'd be what inu would have been like had it been in the FTNW universe, with some shout-outs to FTNW plot points. But that's boring as shit, and now I have what seems to be the first half of a plot I will be unreasonably proud of if I ever actually convert it into writing. Details about what it actually contains are unfortunately TBA :D

* * *

Well, I've suddenly gotten a high dose of motivation.


	3. The children's centre

I have good news and bad news for this update. Good news: I have dedicated hours to working on the story plot, and it's shaping up rather nicely (never mind that I really should have gotten it done before posting the first chapter). Bad news: I thought the plot would be done by the end of 2018, but clearly that's just wishful thinking. I have basic plot points (mostly) down, and I'm currently fleshing things out, but I'm far from done. More bad news: the plot completely contradicts stuff that happens in the previous chapters I've posted. So I have to start again from scratch.

In case you hate me right now, here's some stuff in the new version you wouldn't get to read otherwise:

Scenes from if not us canon that are only referred to in the story (Shiloh's Betrayal from her POV, how old Ren died (assuming I'm guessing it correctly, that is), Arzan's confrontation with Firoz after his story)

The current story's characters get plotlines revolving around their personalities and goals instead of just sticking to the actions shinsekai yori characters would have made.

What if things had turned out differently in shinsekai yori? _What if Shun had lived?_ New storyline that's an au of shinsekai yori.

Prequel to shinsekai yori set in the 21st century, when cantus first appears.

(Very) minor characters from if not us are getting their own stories *cough* the speaker in Ren's story *cough*

Arzan explores some stuff about the world of shinsekai yori that you probably never noticed

To sum things up, instead of 1 storyline, there will be 4: the new-and-improved if not us characters in shinsekai yori, the shinsekai yori au, the prequel, and the minor character/s storyline (The if not us scenes are flashbacks, they don't form a complete storyline). These might seem like 4 completely different stories, but there's a reason I'm working on them as just one. Without spoiling anything, many of them couldn't exist without the others.

This is obviously much larger in scale than what I was working on before, which is why progress is so slow. But I am making that progress, so please be patient.

About this chapter: before I decided to actually figure out what to write about, I'd started writing chapter 3, which was supposed to be a look at the children's centre from the perspectives of all 6 (altı) characters. Ren's and Alemayehu's were only ever in draft form, and I'm not happy with how Shiloh's turned out, but Cevahir's, Polli's and Arzan's were just lying there finished, so I figured why not post them? It will probably be my last post for a while while I work on Plot, so consider it an apology for keeping you waiting.

* * *

the children's centre

 **White walls slanting roof bright Sun above  
** **I'm sure you're excited to go play Cevahir  
** ** **The light shining off the windows blinds you****

 **White walls slanting roof bright Sun above  
** Inside colours and friends and playing and sweets  
Come play with us Cevahir we saved some jelly for you  
Pretend you can't sense the eyes on you

 **I'm sure you're excited to go play Cevahir**  
Mum's hand grips yours too tight it hurts  
Be a good girl okay do what you're told  
She's smiling why doesn't it reach her eyes

 **The light shining off the windows blinds you  
** You can't see only shapes the shadows are moving  
Are you angry at us Cevahir are you going to fight us?  
Not angry never'd fight just anxious afraid  
Don't be forget it all let it wash away…

 **Sound fading and light gleaming soft moonlight in the dark the whole world dreamy unreal the holy barrier swirling there's a light swinging  
and swinging  
** **and swinging**

\- altı -

I kneel in darkness, silent, a light floating before me, to the left to the right to the left again. I should be afraid but I am not, the holy barrier surrounds me, an awareness at the edge of my consciousness, safety and protection and security. Before me the light sways, right and left and right, and I feel so tired.

Light shines in my eyes, breaking my thoughts. I stand at the edge of Kamisu 66 acreage, grass rustling underfoot, the smell of crushed flowers, the holy barrier stretching before me, paper streamers rustling softly in the breeze.

Beyond it is something too horrifying, too terrible, to look at.

Focus on the rope then, Polli, thick fibres woven all tight, stronger and older than anything, it'll keep all out all the horror and the evil and the darkness, there's no need to be afraid, see?

See the darkness swirling, reaching out hands towards me, the fangs protruding grotesquely from a bird's feathered face, a fiend's yellow eyes gleaming teeth leering, a giant slime-covered worm and a five-headed wasp and a melting face, a spider with human hands and I tear my eyes away, I'm inside the holy barrier they can't hurt me in here but I'm not.

I'm outside, beyond safety, I don't remember how, I broke a rule, I shouldn't have, I need to get back fast, need to run – but the fiend is laughing and the bird's teeth are gnashing and the spider's hands are grasping and the face is crying and the wasp is buzzing and the worm is lunging towards me and I run run run run run, the barrier is nearing ever so slowly and I feel them behind me something cold something _evil_

And then I'm inside and the sun is shining on the grass and the flowers the blue sky the fluffy clouds and I keep running until I collapse to the ground and I cry.

A hand lays itself gently on my shoulder. "Apollinariya?" My mother crouches beside me, frowning, worried, her love like a balm. Her hug smells of herbs, the sea, the holy barrier, safety. I can see the holy barrier around me, on the edge of my conscious, the soft light shining behind my eyelids growing stronger, and darkness surrounds me, but no fear, no tension, nothing, nothing at all.

I kneel in the room, surrounded by the holy barrier, safe.

\- altı -

Dear Diary

Today, at the children's centre, I played with Firoz.

I always wanted to be his friend, but somehow I never quite managed to make myself approach him. My legs would freeze, my joints lock, my tongue grow dry and large in my mouth, while he always seemed surrounded by friends, a sun orbited by planets desperate to catch his light.

This time he came alone, sauntering up to me as I balanced a pair of cards on the eleventh row of my card tower. Without my friends I could not find much worth doing.

He said hello, and I nearly dropped my cards in fright. I was not expecting anyone to come talk to me.

It would be wrong to say we'd never spoken before. I remember the time he came asking for a red crayon because theirs had run out. Once, when I came to school early, he was already sitting at his table with a friend, and he called out a greeting as I passed him by. But I cannot say we'd ever had a real conversation.

Like me, none of his friends had come to the centre, and his brother didn't go on Wednesdays either. When I offered him some cards he dropped to the floor lithe as a cat and watched me with a sharp curiosity. I showed him the pattern, how making the card towers touch could create a whole new shape, like the ones in the book.

I think it's because he's so like me, yet so different. He has the same pale skin, the same dark, curly hair, but his is cut short so that a nimbus of curls halo his face. All the while he was listening to me he kept having to run his fingers through it to pull locks of hair away from his eyes. They glittered in the light, with curiosity and laughter and wit, in a way I know my own never will.

When I asked if he wanted to try he gave a roguish grin and said he'd bring it all crashing down if he touched it. But he wouldn't mind watching, if I didn't mind.

Of course I didn't. I could finally have a conversation with him, after so long. I said it was fine, and his grin made it worth it.

I admit, I did not expect him to be interested, anymore than I expected myself to be, after a while, because while I had been curious I did not really _know_ him. But after a while he broke the silence and asked, did I do all that, myself?

What did he mean? It was an ordinary game, something we did in class. He must have known it was not difficult.

But he shook his head, laughing, tousling his curls. He wouldn't, he said, not eleven rows. He'd die of boredom before he reached seven.

It seemed to me that there was a bit of admiration, then, in his eyes. But perhaps I was imagining it.

He does not talk as much as I expected, but not a word he said was without meaning.

As I got up to go he looked up, a lock of hair falling into his eyes, and said, 'See you tomorrow."

Arzan


End file.
